southern ramblings

I've heard it said many times before that life is not made up of big moments, but of all the little moments in between. I've also heard it said that memories are mostly of the bigger moments in life. I find that interesting and a bit confusing all at the same time. I have spent much of the last month thinking. Maybe it's because I had time for my brain to catch up w/ my life (being that I had a break from school and all) or maybe it's because life got to be too mundane to require my attention (yet another by product of no school). Whatever the reason, I have made some revelations, so I'll list/discuss them in no particular order.

I will be a groomsman in one of my best friend's weddings - where's Julia when I need her?

I have a job that I'm staying at, because I fear that no one else will hire me for just one year (the amount of time I have left in the classroom for my program). I realize I should be grateful to have a job and keep my mouth shut. I'm working on it.

I know that I have friends going through MAJOR life struggles and I have no answers for them. Scary considering that I'm going to be a counselor, but my most favorite method of counseling is letting the "client" figure out the solution. For when the "client" takes ownership of the issue/problem AND comes up with the solution, it is self-empowering for that "client". I think it frustrates my friends sometimes b/c I'm not quick with a response b/c I want them to work through it.

I have a wonderful job opportunity that I'm too scared to even notify the posting party about - because the logical side of my brain says no company will want to spend the time/money to train me if I'm going to be gone in a year anyway.

I'm generally a fan of the "When God shuts a door, He opens a window" philosophy, but what happens when I'm too scared to move? I'm standing in the middle of life watching windows and doors open and close and can't make a move out of fear. That in and of itself scares me more than anything. How in the world did I become such a chicken? When did that happen? What happened to bold, fearless, me? The me that would fly around the world to do VBS for people I didn't know and fall in love with complete strangers? The me that would spend a week in a foreign country building rooms that pass as houses for people that I would never truly understand in conversation? What happened to the part of me that could love period? How did I become so apathetic? Why can I cry for babies, hurricanes, tragedies, love, and death but I can't cry for myself? Why does that seem so selfish? Why is it wrong to cry for me, to cry for my hurts, my pains, my loves lost? Why?

After hearing a lesson yesterday on preparing during the down/quiet times of life, so that we may be ready for the chaos that life can sometimes bring. I prayed for God to reveal anything blocking my relationship with Him, and suddenly I'm bombarded with thoughts of the "creamed corn" incident. For those of you who might not know "creamed corn" is from BST, and is used to sum up things you just can't discuss b/c they are too personal, or too involved. Creamed corn came and went five years ago, why am I not passed it? Why can't I get over the "creamed corn" part of my life? I figured out I'm not done dealing with it, but what do you do, when you thought you were finished processing through something and yet it rears it's ugly head again? How do you move on (again)? Why can't I move passed this? Why am I stuck? I can't figure out why I keep coming back to this incident and why it has turned out to be so significant in my life. How did one little incident alter everything about me? I just don't understand.

I feel like I'm typing myself in circles, it's late and I need sleep. Tune in another time for more ramblings.

# posted by KC @ 9:27 PM